The World at Large
by StarlightNights
Summary: Sequel to Moonlights and Sunrises The tragic events from Moonlights and Sunrises have cought up with Bella and she decided to run away to learn how to cope with her feelings. Edward was left shocked by her news and devistated by her leaving. How will they both learn to forgive each other and themselves? And will they find their way back to each other?


**Chapter 1**

**I Miss Your When You're Gone**

It was weird being on my own. Sure I had done it before. But it was different now. It was different after. The house was too big and too quiet.

I was used to the sounds of a family. The TV was always on. Raena was playing loudly like only a 3-year-old could. And even after they left though it was only one night, there was Bella. I was getting used to the idea that she would fill that void. Her and the baby. My baby. She had to drop that bombshell and leave as fast as she could. She promised she would be back. But it's been a month now and I haven't heard from her.

I called her as soon as I noticed the message I called her back instantly, knowing that I needed to change her mind. I couldn't lose her again. But she didn't answer. I tried to understand her reasoning. I tried to give her the space she said she needed. I gave her a week before I became impatient. I called. She ignored. I left a message. She didn't respond. I did this ever day for three weeks with the same result.

I called her dad. He hadn't spoken to her. I called her mother, where Bella told me she was going. But she told me she never showed up there. She left her mother a message similar to the one she left me. She needed space. She needed to do this on her own. I didn't believe Bella would simply disappear from everyone's lives like that so I even boarded a plane and went to her her mother's house. But she wasn't there. There wasn't a single trace that she had set foot in the house. And just like that she was gone. She was missing.

So that was it. She was gone for good. I had to learn to live on my own. Worse than the quiet stillness of the house. And even worse than the aching loneliness was the pain of regret. I know she said that she had forgiven me for all the different ways that I had hurt her but I didn't believe it. If she had meant it then she would still be here. We would be working past it. But instead she disappeared from my life, taking with her the promise of a family. I would have a child out there that I would never get to see. I probably deserved it for all I had done. But that didn't help it hurt any less.

I sat at the kitchen table drink in my hand, smoke held loosely between my lips. I had just put the phone down, my call ignored again. I don't know how long I would keep it up but I wasn't ready to give up on her yet. I still had a lot of fight left in me.

I tried to keep my mind off of everything by keeping busy. The house was never cleaner. My bills were paid the moment they were opened. I visited my family and friends every day. Emmett had made great progress and was at home with Rosalie. He wasn't exactly the same as before but considering he was shot in the head, he made a remarkable recovery. I helped Rose drive him to therapy twice a week. Anything to keep busy. Anything to escape the hollow house.

I finished my smoke and dropped the butt into the empty beer bottle in front of me. I sorted through the stack of mail; paid my bills, shredded the junk and opened the remaining envelope. The writing wasn't familiar but it soon would be. I would commit to memory the way every letter was written and from this moment on I would forever remember the careful way that Bella wrote.

_Edward,_

_I'm sorry for the way I left. You deserve better than that. But I had to do it. And you have to understand why. It has nothing to do with you. I know that's what you're thinking. But this isn't about you. Or what you did. This isn't even about what happened. This is all about me. I can't move on with my life until I figure this out. I can't be with you or figure out what my life is going to be like with you if I can't even figure myself out. So that is what this is. This is me trying to find myself. _

_I thought that I knew who I was. And before maybe I did. But not now. Not after. Every day since it's happened I don't know who I am or what I want. My future is just one giant question mark. The only thing certain about my future is that I'm going to be a mother. And I don't know how I will be able to take care of a child if I can't even take care of myself. And then there is you. I'm such an asshole for leaving you like that. I want to be with you. And we will find our way back to each other. It will just take a little bit of time. _

_I know you want to be a part of the babies life, especially now that you know for sure it is yours. And you will be. I won't be gone long. Just long enough. And once I'm back, once I'm over the past we can start to figure out the future. Because like it or now, we are going to have a future together, even if it is only for the sake of our child. _

_Don't try to get ahold of me. You won't be able to. No one will. This is my journey and I need to make it on my own. I thought that just getting away for a little while would help. Just a change of scenery to break up my life and make me get back on track but once I got off the plane something happened. I realized that I was just trading once place for another and nothing else was going to change. Renee was my babysitter instead of Charlie. Warmer weather instead of snow. _

_Instead of going to my mother's I went to the airport lounge. I didn't drink though I wanted to. But something amazing happened while I was there. No one looked at me and whispered. No one stared. I wasn't the biggest story on the news there. No one seemed to recognize me like they did at home. I was just another random girl at the airport. I had finally found something that I was missing... some anonymity. I was able to break free from what had happened and just be another traveler. I was able to push thoughts of those days from my mind and finally open up to strangers. I didn't tell them my story, I wasn't ready to be that open with anyone like that. But I was able to be just any other person. Almost. _

_I stayed at that bar all evening. I challenged myself to talk to as many people as I could. And I did. I met so many people it's amazing how much people are willing to open up to a stranger they don't think they will ever see again. I mostly listened to their stories and said as little as I could about myself because I didn't have much to say. My past was off limits and my future was stuck in limbo right. And most people were fine with that. Most people just like to have someone to talk to, someone that will listen to their story with open ears. _

_And here is where the "almost" comes in to play. Just as I was about to leave I was approached by a man. There isn't much to say about him. He seemed like just every other guy traveling on business. And it was just like every other exchange I had throughout the day. Like most men, he flirted with me. But he was the only one to not listen to my subtle hints that made him know I wasn't interested. He tried to buy me a drink and I of course refused. He didn't listen and bought me one anyway that I ignored. He seemed annoyed by it but he asked me to go home with him anyway. I turned him down. He couldn't hide is annoyance from me. I think he was just about to ague with me, or maybe call me a bitch but another brunette walked in and got his attention. He must have had more success with her because I was finally able to slip out of the bar and get to a hotel. _

_The next morning my world seemed to fall apart again. The TV was on the local news station and I was greeted by a familiar face, it was a picture of a petite brunette with a big smile. I didn't place it at first and then it hit me. It was the girl from the bar, the one that so quickly captivated the guy that was talking to me. Her body was found that morning. _

_I was captivated by the story. I watched the news all day just waiting to hear anything about it. At noon they played surveillance video from the airport where you could see her stumble towards the exit with the same man I talked too. That was the last anyone had seen of her. They were looking for any information on the whereabouts of the mystery man. Slowly the news lost interest in the story as there were more horrible things to report on so from there I followed the story in the internet. The mystery man was found and questioned and later arrested when they some how got proof that he was the one who murdered that girl. The girl that could have easily been me. That was probably would have been me if she didn't come along. _

_I came to the harsh reality that no matter where I was, no place was ever going to feel safe to me again. Evil was all around me in the world. Nothing was going to change that. I had to accept that. I had to learn to live with it. I wasn't going to change the world so I had to change myself. And until I can do that I will be another lost soul traveling the world. _

_So I will travel the world until I find myself somewhere out there. Until I can again find some good out there. I will keep writing you so you don't worry. I will tell you all about my travels and maybe you can pretend like you were there too. _

_I don't know how long it will take. But know this, as soon as I have found my place in this world I will be back. I will come back to you. Because you are my home. You are my final destination. I just have to find my way there first._

_Bella_

I read it over and over before I finally picked up my phone and tried to reach her again. I left another message begging her to come back. Because in the end that was all that mattered. She wanted to come back so why bother with anything else. We could figure everything else out together. I spent the entire night called her. When that failed. I made a few more phone calls. I called my boss and made my excuses for work. They were very understanding. And I promised I would still do what I could from the road.

I sent out a text to my family and as usual they were all ready. At least everything that happened seemed to bring us all closer together. An hour later we were all gathered in my parents dinning room. With such short notice Esme was somehow able to get together enough pasta for everyone. As soon as we sat down everyone's eyes landed on me. I did call them all over, it was only fair to tell them why. "I'm leaving," I said quietly and was met with silence. "Not forever. Just a little while."

"Why?" Emmett finally spoke up.

"I have too," that was the simple answer but I could tell that it wouldn't be enough. "We've all made our mistakes since getting out of there. Some were more obvious than others. And some of us have been quietly struggling. I've been having a difficult time expressing myself. I've talked about it, yes. But I've left off so much. Just like Bella. There was so much that happened. So much that you just don't know how to say it. You all know Bella left. She sent me a letter finally really explaining it to me. And I want to go to her. I want to help bring her back home."

"But she doesn't want to be home," Jasper argued. "She asked for space. Give her some space."

"It's not that simple." I shrugged.

"Why you?" Alice asked. "Why not her mom? Or her dad? Or even me, her best friend?"

"Because I love her," I finally admitted out loud. "Because it was my fault. Because everything I did was wrong. Because I hurt her. Because all I do is hurt her. Because..."

"Keep going," Carlisle encouraged. "Get it out."

"I can't!" I snapped. "I"m ashamed. You won't understand. I'm a monster!"

Everyone kept there eyes locked on me as a heavy silence filled the room. "No your not," Jasper said.

"You don't understand," I argued.

"I do." Jasper said firmly.

"No. If you did, you wouldn't be here. You couldn't even look at me. You-"

"You did what you had to do." he said, cutting me off. "They _forced _you."

"Oh, Edward," Alice sighed. "We've already forgiven you for hitting Bella. What a silly thing to still be worried about. You didn't want to, you had to. No one can blame you for what happened."

I couldn't hold back the snort of laughter. If only that was all I did to hurt her. "I did so much worse than hit her." It was hard to keep my voice even as the tears threatened to fall.

"Just say it," Carlisle urged. "No one here will judge you. Like you said, we've all made our mistakes because of this."

"I can't. This isn't just about me. This is so much bigger than just me. I just wanted to tell you guys I was leaving. I just wanted you to understand."

I stood from the table but Jasper reached his hand out and held onto my arm, locking eyes with me. "They will understand. And so will she." He leaned in and lowered his voice. "She told me everything. _Everything_. I understand. I get it. She struggled with the truth the same as you. You'll feel a lot better if you finally get it off of your chest. I know she did." I was frozen in shock. He couldn't know. He nodded his head as if he could hear my thoughts.

"How? Why?" I asked as the first tear slipped down my cheek.

"It doesn't matter," he said as we both fell back into our chairs.

"Of course it matters! Look at what I've done!"

"What you've done is survive. Not everyone lived through that. But you did. Bella did. And so did everyone else at this table. We probably wouldn't be if things were different, if you had made a different choice. But you didn't. And we lived." He paused for a moment and looked around the table. "We all did things we aren't proud of but we are family. We've been through hell and back together and nothing is going to change that."

I wanted to protest but Emmett stopped me. "Dude, say it or don't. But even if you can't, I forgive you."

"You can't forgive me if you don't know-"

"You had sex with her," he said with a shrug. And it was out there. Everyone knew now. But they didn't know how bad it was.

"Does everybody know?" I almost snapped. I looked around and was met with confused and shocked faces. I guess not. And it was only going to get worse. "We didn't just- It's not that simple."

"Yeah, it is," Emmett said, looking at me as if I were stupid. "Rose and I do it all the time. I bet Jazz and Alice do to. And obviously mom and dad did or we wouldn't be here brother. "No big deal."

"It was your choice! You always had the choice! I didn't. We didn't! It shouldn't have happened like that." I looked around, they were all stunned into silence. But none of them looked to be in a murderous rage.

"I didn't have a choice about getting shot it the head but it happened." Emmett argued. "Bella didn't chose to shoot Lauren but it happened. Are we calling her a murder because of it?" No. Are we going to think of you as a violent rapist? No. You did what you had to do. No one got a choice in there. The only choice we had to make and still have to make is to keep going. Are you going to give up because some bad shit happened. I sure as hell hope not! Don't waste your life with worry and regret. Go out there and live. Fight for what you want because not everyone can do that."

"That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight for Bella."

"There you go!" Emmett shouted.

"That's why I'm leaving. I need to make it up to her."

"Edward," Jasper interrupted. "I'm not asking you to give up but just wait. Giver her the time and space she asked you for. She's having just as hard of a time figuring this out as you. Let her do it on her own."

"But..." I trialed off not knowing how to make him understand. "This isn't just about Bella. I know she needs her time. I know that. This is about me. She said she wanted me to feel like I am on this journey with her. So I will go with her. I will follow in her footsteps and try to heal along side her even if we aren't together. I think I need this as much as she does. And I didn't come here to ask permission. I'm doing this. I just want to know if I have your support."

"You will always have our support," Esme finally says something. There is the glisten of fresh tears in her eyes. "I have been battling my own demons since it ended. Your strength and honesty have inspired me. It's time to stop living in the past. We can't let that control us any more. I hope I have all of your support when I go to rehab. I have been using the wrong kind of help to heal."

And so dinner went. There were more tears and more confessions and a lot of profesions of support. It wasn't the way I was expecting it to go. And for that I am glad.


End file.
